Counting sins
by Wind shall call Night's raven
Summary: Caesar faces the sadness of his job and the loss of so many. set right after the 75th interview.


I do not own the The Hunger Games series and never will. I do not want to be sued.

…...

I close my eyes and swallow down the bile that is in my throat. The 75th interview couldn't have gone any worse or better.

Enobaria had been in a fighting spirit earlier, that was good she would need it. I don't much care for her blood lust but that is how she has survived. I can't berate her for that. From the first time I hosted the 24th games I Casaer have sworn to do my best to promote these children. I always try to show them in the best light. To me ripping out another child's throat just showed how pitiable they were.

Seeder, what a women. I topple into my worn dressing room chair. It has been forty two years since we had last shared the same space. Her dignity had been apparent even then at 16 years. My feeling tonight was overwhelming sadness at seeing her return. Even in the interview she had been controlled and calm. How I wished that every one of the tributes had taken that moment to really emote, to throw it back in Snow's face.

Cashmere had been so betrayed so hurt. I couldn't blame her. She had been radiant tonight, a different sort of radiant then what she had been during her interview at the 64th Hunger Games. Then she had been girl trying and succeeding at a very grownup game. Johana had been brilliant too. In that one moment I allowed myself to show my feelings. I remember the quick flick of a smile right before I said who's next.

Drawing a tumbler for a shot of liquor I think about Mags. I don't know her as she was before my time. I feel that I am not doing a good job of helping because I can't remember what her games were like. I was 15 then and 9 years later I would host. To the best of my knowledge she has not spoken willingly since her victory interview. She only spoke while a mentor for Finnick.

A man, that until he fell for Anne had no weakness. Word is that his life has become the most gilded nightmare anyone could wish for. I shudder to think if only half the rumors that I know are true. Knowing President Snow as I do. I suspect that Finnick's life if filled with pain and soul crushing fear.

I suspect Wiress's life was staked like Anne's to keep Beetee in line. Oh clever, Beetee. I was cruel with him. How could I have said, "_I don't know who we'll miss more you or your brain."_ His eyes said it all. I had cut so deep and now I doubt I will ever have the chance to take it back. I pour another tumbler. He was so shy at 14. He was a gift from above and was exploited for it. Oh yes there were the accolades but I never bought that he helped us out of the goodness of his heart.

Katniss, the girl on fire. She is just trying to stay alive and get out of here. I fear that her fate will be the same as Finnick and Beetee. Snow will (if he isn't already) use her family to keep her in line. I saw what he did when he read that slip of paper. He wants her to die at the Capitals hands.

Cinna didn't do himself any favors with that Mockingjay ensemble. I will be surprised if I see him alive again. I knew what it was when I saw it, but I was so stunned to see it. Then once my brain caught up to my eyes I knew I couldn't be the one to say Mockingjay. Snow would have had my head. It was better that Katniss say it out loud.

Peeta wonderful clever smart Peeta. He was a real wild card last year. But I don't buy that they are expecting. How can no one see that this is a well-played game? I rise my third glass to the cleverness of the scheme, but it is only a ploy to gain sympathy. Haymitch has a real winner here. I bet that everything that came out of his mouth was planned and timed. They both are masters of this people side of the game.

Slowly I shrug out of my stage getup. Mindlessly I place it on the clothing rack. Sitting in front of the mirror I start removing my makeup. Those last moments right before the lights were cut, on my order I felt real fear. Not for myself but for them. I want to see them left alone. I… we are responsible for ripping children out of their families and shattering: bodies, minds and souls. 1,800 children have been subjected to this game. 1,798 children have died from this game. I presided over 1,248 attempts to sway help. I turn out the light. Slowly I meander home. The names of tributes running through my troubled mind.


End file.
